Black and blue: domestic violence is a tale of multiple abuses

Front page newspaper stories about accused abusers are both dramatic and informative for the community, but the reality for the abused seeing a headline and reading a detailed story of her perpetrator’s arrest is both unsettling and validation.

This county has a major lack of so-called “services” for those impacted by domestic abuse. There are no multiple so-called safe houses for sheltering the victim (My Sisters’ Place), or easily accessed dynamic programs to assist victims (and a victim includes both the spouse and children and pets when families are involved).

The Lincoln County District Attorney’s office has decent prosecutors, for sure, and there is a Victim’s Assistance staff doing amazing things; there are even so-called domestic violence-focused judges in this neck of the woods. I have personal experience with a sheriff deputy investigating a case of wife abuse, which encourages me about the character of some cops.

Imagine, a deputy telling a victim that “… it’s not your fault, this guy targeted you, and you are powerful, smart and worthy of a loving, respectful relationship.” This deputy in fact lives in my community, Waldport, with three children and wife. I see how invested he is in creating a safe community for all of us.

Unfortunately, for women, the cycle of abuse includes the yo-yo motion of both psychological factors and the action of returning to their abusers. The relationship that involves physical and verbal abuse is one of co-dependency and actual physiological changes in the woman’s brain.

We can call the Stockholm Syndrome-like actions of a victim a “dual relationship between the power of the abuser and the weakness of the abused.” Obviously, high profile and highly successful women — CEOs, business owners, et al — can be that “victim,” as well as any sort of woman on various social determinant spectrums that predicate economic, psychological and educational outcomes.

People in marriages and relationships whose partners are abusers can develop Stockholm Syndrome towards any person who has an eerie degree of power over them. We see this with anyone in interpersonal relationships— husbands, wives, partners, parents, grandparents, children.

I’ve seen this up close and personal here in Lincoln County with several people who have reached out to me and my resources to flee abuse. The syndrome is built on a foundation of fear, threats and isolation, and is generally believed to require victims' belief that they can't escape the situation they're in.

The foundational ingredient (or poison or dark magic) is these "small acts of kindness" on the part of the abuser, whether real or perceived. Behind all that darkness, the abuser's own actions are looked at “as a source of the flame of something to live for.”

This entails a complex set of cultural, interpersonal and psychological elements. The abuser can be seen as a monster — and there are outright monsters I have seen as a reporter, case manager and brother of a sister who managed safe houses and DV programs in Arizona — or a charmer.

Some of the common personality factors in an abuser include narcissism, low self-esteem and a long list of elements to include:

• A history of abuse in one's family or past;

• Being physically or sexually abused as a child;

• A history of being physically abusive;

• A lack of appropriate coping skills;

• Untreated mental illness;

• Drug or alcohol abuse;

• Socioeconomic pressures or economic stress (studies show a higher incidence of abuse in lower-income communities);

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD);

• Emotional dependence and insecurity;

• Belief in strict gender roles (e.g., male dominance and aggression in relationships);

• Desire for power and control in past relationships.

While there may be a history of attitudes accepting or justifying violence and aggression in American society, as well as studies citing the U.S. as a rape culture, the fact is women especially have so many challenges accepting they are abused, believing that they are not responsible for the abuse and not falling into despair and creating their own isolation as the abuser’s perceived and real power over a woman’s life dominates.

The cycle of mental, economic and physical abuse inside a relationship that is abusive includes the psychodynamics of perpetrator and victim. The idea of understanding one’s victimhood in whichever culture a woman lives (some men of course are victims, too) is to dig deep into that culture’s treatment of families, women, mental health as well as how it embraces the sociological determinants of mental health outcomes including lack of economic stability, substance abuse, and one’s own self-worth.

Two quotations, one from a male and a female survivor, give hope during this holiday season, when abuse seems to heighten: “You survived the abuse. You’re gonna survive the recovery;” and “You are not the darkness you endured. You are the light that refused to surrender.”

Call 911 when in danger. Contact My Sister’s Place/My Safe Place, Lincoln County, for help: 541-574-9424; Crisis Hotline: 541-994-5959

Paul K. Haeder is a novelist, journalist, educator and author of “Wide Open Eyes: Surfacing from Vietnam,” Cirque Press.