The incoming mail is still incoming. My outdated spices featured in last week’s column rang a big bell with female readers, leaving me to believe that guys who cook and barbeque simply reach for seasonings assuming their women keep such things fresh.
Margaret Mulder, of Newport, wrote: “My children are always ragging on me for not getting rid of things, including spices. My granddaughter found sprinkles that were quite ancient, but I know she tried them anyway, just to see if they were edible.”
Teresa, of Omaha, wrote: “Oh, how I relate to your last column. Some of my spices date back to the days of Caesar Augustus.” (Now I don’t feel so guilty).
Roz, of Encino, Calif., wrote: “Love this column. I know I should replace my ancient spices, but they are still resting comfortably on my two racks.”
Carolyn, from the UK, wrote: “Sometimes you just hit the nail on the head a little too close. You and Rocki sound like my sister and me as we have always played pranks on one another. After a visit, it is not unusual to find a fake frog in the bed.” The funniest part of Carolyn’s email is this: “My brother-in-law was so frightfully English and proper. One time he came back to England for a meeting and stayed a few nights with us. I bought a pair of ‘old lady bloomers’ and hid them in his luggage. Unfortunately, that was the day customs decided to go through everyone’s bags. He was totally embarrassed!”
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The Two Battles
One evening, an old Cherokee told his grandson about the battle that goes on inside of people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves. The bad battle is about evil, anger, sorrow, regret, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The good battle is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”
The grandson thought about this for another minute, then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
Final funnies for today, all contributed by readers:
• “What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.”
• “I wish my siblings would stop calling me spoiled just because I’m the baby of the family. The fact is, my parents just kept having children until they found one they liked. It is so not my issue.”
• “Yesterday I fixed my hair and makeup to go out, but saw no one I know. Today I looked like Jack Nicholson from 'The Shining' and saw all the people I know. All of them!”
• “At this point I am about 97 percent feral and will not be able to go out and be integrated back into society.”
• “Do you ever go out and while you are out you think, ‘This is exactly why I don’t go out.’”
• “If 2020 was a drink, what would it be? Answer: Colonoscopy prep”
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So much for your Friday fix of funnies and wisdom. I’m still laughing about the very proper Englishman with the “old lady bloomers” in his luggage.
Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock with her cat, Purrfect. She is the author of “Good Grief: A Collection of Stories As One Woman Journeys From Heartbreak To Healing Through Honesty and Humor.” The book, with all proceeds going to the Rotary International Foundation, is available at JC Market in Newport and directly from Bobbie, who can be contacted at email@example.com.