everything you hear
Well, here it is January when many of us face the facts that we might have (might have?) scarfed a few too many calories over the holidays and now we have to either shape up or ship out. This morning I stepped on the scale for the first time in weeks and was horrified. I’m not kidding. Then I tried to squeeze into the spandex bicycling outfit my daughter Rocki gave me last year for my birthday. How depressing. You can stretch spandex only so far before the seams start to scream in protest.
So, on my way to the treadmill here in my office, I stopped to check the latest emails on the computer. Lo and behold, a whole new diet idea popped in from Newport friends Art and Barbara Bradley. Here it is:
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The Food Lion (author unknown)
Yesterday I was at my local Food Lion buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake the wonder dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?
So, because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well, and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no – then with a straight face, I said that I stopped to lift my leg on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Food Lion won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
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Thanks to Art and Barbara for making our day. As soon as I get off the treadmill, I’m heading for the bag of Purina in our pantry. Our dog Charley might notice me nibbling his nuggets, but so what? Spring is coming and maybe it won’t take too long before I can squeeze into that spandex outfit and dust off my bicycle. Since I ride with women there is no way we’ll be stopping at a fire hydrant. For those of you who take this column way too seriously, please be reassured that the dog food diet is only a joke.
Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock with her husband, Burt, their dog, Charley, and a
shelter cat named Lap Sitter. Bobbie can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org
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