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Bobbie’s Beat

Posted: Thursday, Nov 29th, 2012

‘So, how did you

break your arm?’

Thought for the day: “All a skier needs is white snow, green trees and Blue Cross.”

I am not being lazy, honest. My goal is to keep you readers happy, and every year about this time, I get requests for “The Ski Story.” This is supposedly a true story that fell into my hands many years ago. At the time, I was doing daily radio shows for several networks, including KNPT in Newport, and I often focused on humor. After Ski Story aired, I received a letter from a lady, and at first it scared me until I realized she was sort of kidding:

“Dear Bobbie: I was driving in to my job in Newport this morning from Eddyville when I listened to you read that ski story on my car radio. Please do not EVER do that again! I got to laughing so hard I came very close to running off the road. P.S. I am sending a self-addressed envelope to the radio station because I want a copy. Thank you.” I think her letter is still in my files. If the story doesn’t leave you laughing, I give up. All I know for sure is that this happened in the mountains of Utah. Here it is - author unknown.

• • •

A ski story

Conditions were perfect - 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over - the “Tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn’t help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, “The white will provide more than adequate camouflage.”

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don’t move. Yep, you got it! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving - even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees - somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last, her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show and then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. “So, how’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk.

“It was the stupidest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn’t believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out of control down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift.

So, how’d you break your arm?”

• • •

Happy December, folks!

Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock with her husband, Burt, their dog, Charley, and a shelter cat named Lap Sitter. Bobbie can be contacted at bobbisbeat@aol.com

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