This is being written before the election. Yes, I promised to stay away from the subject, but here’s the deal; by now half the country is happy about the results and the rest are well, licking their wounds. As for me, I am just happy to have the whole thing over with, but maybe not quite as happy as a 4-year-old girl named Abby. Perhaps you saw her brief interview on TV. Hard to miss because Abby’s political opinion went viral, and in case you missed it, picture this adorable little girl with tears rolling down her cheeks, crying and saying very clearly, “I’m so tired of Bronco Bama and Milt Rommy.” What a heart breaker, and I could just see heads nodding in agreement all over the country. I think the interview person said something like, “That’s okay, honey, it will all be over with soon.”
So today, we’re going to really lighten up and do a little pondering because the following showed up on my computer at least six times. When I needed to drag my thoughts away from politics and pundits to smile and consider some really weird thoughts, I clicked on the following. Just call it your post-election pondering:
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Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to “put your two cents in”...but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts?” Where’s that extra penny going to?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why do people pay to go up in tall buildings and then put money in binoculars so they can look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your bottom?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
• • •
And finally, every email finished with this line: Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address in the first place?
Answer: Nope. Because how else would this column give readers something to smile about this post-election week?
Happy pondering, people.
Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock with her husband, Burt, their dog, Charley, and a shelter cat named Lap Sitter. Bobbie can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.orgFor the complete article see the 11-09-2012 issue.
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