Today’s column is for all you women and maybe all you men who love your woman and (a) prefer not getting kicked out of the house and (b) would like to understand women a little better. Yeah, like THAT is ever going to happen.
Two weeks ago, my neighbor, Jackie Stankey, invited me to join her on a trek to the annual Corvallis Fall Festival - a whole day of wandering through 170 booths of amazing arts and crafts created by artists from all over Oregon. This is something a woman prefers doing with another woman. No way would my husband be curious about every single booth or want to linger, ask questions of the artist, and touch the creations at a leisurely pace for an entire day. Note: If you run into Burt, just ask how long it took us to “do Belgium” during our traveling days. You will not believe his answer.
But back to the art fair with Jackie. It was my first time, and it was a great time. There were several exhibits specializing in things for children, but the booth that inspired today’s column was one filled with beautifully handcrafted baby clothes. Outside of the booth was a tiny baby dress on a quilted hanger. I stopped to touch that little dress and was flooded with sweet memories of way back when I had a baby girl, and later a baby granddaughter. Jackie (also the mother of girls) stood beside me, and we both shared the fact that neither of us knew anyone with a baby girl. Not a big fact, just a moment of two women thinking alike.
That night I fired up my computer and was mildly amazed to find a day brightener I had never seen before. When it caused me to laugh out loud (or LOL in computer speak), I knew it had to be shared with you. Here it is:
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On Babies, Pregnancy and Childbirth (author unknown)
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 babies is enough. Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational. A: So what’s your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.
AND, the number one thing only women understand - OTHER WOMEN
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That’s it for today with the hope something in this column made you LOL. I do recommend going to the Corvallis Fall Festival next year, and I suggest you ladies grab another lady to go with you so you can take your time looking at all those artsy treasures. To Jackie Stankey, thanks for the experience.
And don’t ask me about Belgium!
Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock with her husband, Burt, their dog, Charley, and a shelter cat named Lap Sitter. Bobbie can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.orgFor the complete article see the 10-05-2012 issue.
Click here to purchase an electronic version of the 10-05-2012 paper.
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